Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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