A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
