Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I think my fart just growled at me.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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