My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
