We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
