i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
