Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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