a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
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