the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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