I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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