One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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