sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
