My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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