Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Randomize
