I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
