Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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