So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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