I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I wannas sexs uuuuu
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
