she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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