This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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