I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
