are you still at the devil's house?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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