I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
