I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
