then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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