I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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