I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
