drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
