I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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