So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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