Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
