god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
