that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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