my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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