He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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