He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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