I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
