Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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