I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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