John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
