Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
