No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
