I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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