So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
