i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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