Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
