does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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