did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
