So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
