So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
