my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
