he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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